Back Track

I'm going to backtrack a little on my last post on one item.  I'm not so sure that I'm excited about Guji Guji.  This book was on a list of books people were recommending for adoptive families that Rumor Queen was putting together on her blog.  Several people mentioned Guji Guji.

I looked for it on Amazon, but it's out of print and ridiculously expensive there.  I did, however, find it at a very low price on eBay.  I ordered it last week, and it arrived on Tuesday.  I read it quickly in the car as we were on our way out when we got the mail and thought it was cute.

Last night, I read it to Sera as her bedtime story.  I didn't care for it much on the second read through.  It's the pretty standard tale of a mama duck sitting on her nest.  One of the eggs is much larger than the others, but she doesn't notice it.  When the eggs hatch, three ducklings and a crocodile are born.  They become a loving family.  So far, it's all good.  Three crocodiles appear and inform Guji Guji that he is not a duck; he is a crocodile.  They are portrayed as the evil villians of the story.  They practically bully Guji Guji into helping them trap and eat the ducks.  Guji Guji, of course, finds a way around their plan and protects his duck family. 

On the surface, it's pretty standard.  Crocodiles are pretty evil if you're a duck.  I liked the way mama duck loved all her children regardless of their differences.  My concern is the message that anyone who looked like Guji Guji was scary and bad. 

Tell me, am I overreacting?  I'm not sure if I am or not.  On the one hand, ducks would think crocodiles are scary and bad.  They eat them.  On the other hand, I don't want Sera to get the message that only the duck (us) family is good and that crocodiles (Chinese people) are bad.

Why Am I So Different?

I knew this question would come some day, and some day soon, but I still was caught a little off-guard. One of Sera’s favorite television shows is Sid the Science Kid on PBS. He has a certain turn of phrase and cadence that Sera copies now when she asks questions. She had it when she asked this one Monday afternoon.

I hesitated for a few seconds as I tried to figure out what exactly she was asking. I don’t want to overwhelm her with information she’s not old enough to process yet, so I asked her how she was different. She shrugged. I asked if she was different from her friends at school. She nodded. I asked her if she was different from me. She nodded again. I asked her if she could tell me what was different. She shrugged.

I explained that everyone was different. We all had things that were different from other people and things that were the same. I told her that her eyes and hair were different from mine because she was born in China. She immediately argued that our hair was the same. I agreed that we both had brown hair, but I showed her how my hair is wavy and her hair is straight. We also talked about people having different color hair.

She then changed the conversation to tell me she had received an invitation to the ball at the palace and took off to change her dress.

She is a very diverse pre-school, but she is the only Asian child in her room. There are a few other Asian children there, but they’re in the baby room and the 2 year room. They actually just moved here from China. One of the teachers told me about them, but I haven’t seen or met them yet. I’d say her room demographics are pretty close to my school’s, about 50% Caucasian, 30% Latino, and 20% African American.

On Tuesday, she started talking about how she’s a big girl now and shouldn’t have a baby seat any more in the car. She should have a big girl seat. We explained that her seat isn’t too small yet, and it’s safer than a booster. We’re not ready to move her. Her car seat is good to 65 pounds. I’m betting she could technically sit in it until middle school. We won’t be that cruel, but she’s just finally broken the 30 pound mark. She was 30 lbs, 5 oz at her well child check last Friday and 38”. That just seems small to me to switch her to a booster. I like the safety of the 5-point harness vs. shoulder belt.

Later that evening, she told me that she wanted to be bigger than me. I told her that she would never be bigger than me (thank God!), but that she was growing and getting bigger the way she was supposed to.

I think the Tuesday conversations are directly related to Monday’s question. She is starting to notice that she’s smaller than her friends and her eyes are different. Her skin tone isn’t a factor because she’s exposed to such a range that she doesn’t feel different there. In a stroke of perfect timing, a book I bought on eBay arrived yesterday that deals with some of these differences, Guji, Guji. I do think she’s entering a normal stage of development, one where she is starting to be more aware of things around her. I need to make sure my development keeps up with hers.

What Were You Doing Three Years Ago?

Jim and I were walking on the moon.

Three years ago this afternoon, Jim and I received a life-changing phone call.  Here are the words I posted that day:

Jim and I are proud to announce we have a daughter.

Her name is Liang Xiao Sheng. We plan on calling her Sera XiaoSheng. It was going to be Sera Elizabeth XiaoSheng, but we dropped that idea as soon as we saw what letter her name started with. She's from the Liangping SWI in the Sichuan Province, and she was born on April 17, 2006.

We hope to travel in April and have her in our arms before her first birthday. We won't have pictures until next week, but we've been assured she's beautiful. I never doubted that.

These are all the details we know now. Off to make more phone calls and to celebrate.

Life is wonderful!

UPDATE: We will receive more information and photos on Monday.
 
Here are the photos we received a few days later:
 

And here's our princess today.  She is a princess; just ask her.  Her name is now Cinderella Tiana Serafina.  Daddy is her Prince Charming, and me?  I'm the wicked stepmother and loving every minute of it.

Like Yesterday

About two years ago, I remember reading someone's 1000 day post and thinking it was a good idea.  I counted the days and scheduled it in my Outlook calendar.  Then I forgot all about it.

Sunday night I received a reminder.  For just a minute I stared blankly at the reminder and then it clicked.  Yesterday was 1000 days since the day Sera was placed in our arms, and the day we officially adopted her. Our situation was unusual in that our adoption took place as soon as we received her.  Our group didn't have the customary 24 hours in between.  It didn't matter. Sera was our child from the moment she was placed in our arms.

It's hard to believe it's been 1000 days when it seems like just yesterday in so many ways.  If I had to describe the difference in life before Sera and life with Sera, I'd compare it to The Wizard of Oz.  Life was perfectly fine as we knew it, but then she came into our life.  Suddenly the world was filled with colors I never noticed and a vibrancy that had never existed for me.  We've run into a few flying monkeys and a poppy field or two, but the journey is the most exciting one I've taken.

Things Like This Drive Me Nuts!

First, I must confess one of my guilty pleasures, reading Page Six.

Seen in today's issue of Page Six

June 23, 2009 --
STEPHANIE Winston Wolkoff is not a granddaughter of jeweler Harry Winston, as we reported here last week. Wolkoff -- who just quit as Vogue's head of special events to spend more time with her husband and three kids -- was adopted by Bruce Winston, one of Harry Winston's two sons, when Bruce married Stephanie's mother. "Harry Winston has only one true grandchild, a son born to Ronald Winston and his wife," a family source says. A rep for Wolkoff said, "In New York state law, an adopted child is treated the same as a natural- born child." Bruce told us, "If my father was alive, I'm sure he would be proud to call her his granddaughter."

The bolding is mine. Kudos to Bruce Winston who has it right. An adopted child is as much a part of a family as a child born to the family. I am so grateful that I've never had to personally experience anyone with this attitude. Anyone who would consider my child not to be part of my family because she was adopted would no longer have a place in my life. My sympathies to Stephanie Winston Wolkoff who can't say the same about her own family.

Frozen Terror

Sunrise in Mesick, MI

May 11, 2009

We are so very lucky. I know this. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that we're in the minority. Virtually everyone I know who has adopted has had to deal with far more than we've experienced. But just to keep us on our toes, we do get to experience something every now and then that I'm sure is adoption related. It's really a fine line between wanting to be aware of any issues that could be adoption related, but not wanting to over-analyze situations either.

Last week, we took a personal day on Friday and extended our three-day weekend into four. Monday was a Snow Day. Three snow days are built into our school calendar. They're placed in as three-day weekends in between Spring Break and the end of school. We used two days this year for actual snow days leaving us one spring three-day weekend. It's like a little bonus.

This weekend, besides being Mother's Day was also the 50th anniversary of the Mesick Mushroom Festival. Mesick is Jim's hometown. Its downtown is about 3 blocks long, and one of those blocks is the school. Mesick calls itself the Morel Mushroom Capital of the World, in case you were wondering where that was. There were a lot of activities planned, and we thought it would be fun to visit.

We made the four-hour drive Friday morning arriving in the afternoon. Jim set up camp, and then we headed to the carnival. Sera was not content to ride the kiddie rides; she insisted on riding the ferris wheel. We wandered around the carnival (another story to come on this event), eating really bad carnie food, and checking out the flea market before heading back to our campsite for a bonfire and s'mores.

The forecast showed rain coming around 11:00 pm and staying through Saturday evening. The lows for Saturday were forecasted to go into the low 30s. We agreed that was not optimal camping weather and had made reservations in Traverse City, about a 20-30 minute drive, for Saturday night at Great Wolf Lodge.

The rain came right on time and lasted all night, but had stopped by the time we woke. We dressed and headed to town for breakfast. Since the rain seemed to be taking a break, we decided to postpone heading to Traverse City until after the parade. The rain held off, and Sera got to enjoy her first parade. It was very tiny and perfect. Some of the noises were a bit overwhelming for her, so the intimate size was perfect. She was a big fan of having candy thrown her way, too.

After the parade, Sera fell asleep in the car, so we drove north of Traverse City and explored. We saw the Sleeping Bear Dunes, Sutton Bay, and some really cute little towns, one of which looked like it was still the year posted on the buildings, 1850. Finally, we headed to the lodge and checked in. Our time there is its own story.

Sunday afternoon saw us heading back to our campsite. We were quite relieved to see our tent still mostly standing. Two stakes had pulled loose from one side, but Jim quickly remedied that situation. Sera went down for her nap, and Jim and I enjoyed some quiet time by the fire that afternoon. He'd ordered three bundles of wood to get us through the night. I was surprised to see we had so much and was sure we'd be leaving some behind. But then it got cold. Surprisingly cold as the forecast had shown it would warm up on Sunday.

As the sun was near to setting, Jim added the last of the wood to the fire. I joked that it looked like we'd be turning in early as our fire wasn't going to last. Sera and I headed to the bathrooms to brush our teeth and make one last visit before getting ready for bed. She and I share one bed, and Jim takes the other. Jim puts two sleeping bags together for Sera and I to share, while he uses one. In retrospect, Sera and I should have shared one that night as we had far too much space inside. The night grew cold. Very, very cold.

Before I go on, I should give some background information. Sera does not like to be covered when she sleeps. She insists on her blankets in the car. She insists on being covered when she's put to bed. In fact, she'll sometimes ask for multiple blankets. But as soon as she's ready to actually sleep, she kicks them all off. During the winter, I make sure she's in heavy, fleece footie pajamas because I know she will not stay covered.

Our sleeping bags are rated for temps down to 20, so they are really very warm. Because it was so very cold, I was worried about Sera climbing out of the sleeping bag. She had snuggled in the crook of my arm, and I was making sure she was inside the bag. In her sleep, she'd struggle to get out, but I'd make sure she stayed covered. Of course, this meant I was not sleeping well, or at all.

Sera started whimpering and moving. The next thing I knew she was all out flailing and kicking the top of the sleeping bag away from her. I pulled it back and sat up thinking something was wrong. Sera sat up and was screaming. She was screaming about not having to go potty and something about diapers and wasn't really making sense. She kept yelling no when I'd ask her if she needed to go potty, or did she want a diaper. She was kicking me and hitting me trying to push me away. After a few horrible minutes, she collapsed, rolled to me, and snuggled in with her face in my neck shuddering as her sobs faded back to sleep.

This happened two more times. I finally realized during the third occurrance that she was having night terrors. She had never had them before, at least to my knowledge. I realized that she wasn't really awake and that what she was shouting out made no sense. She was screaming things like she wanted her tent or her campsite or chocolate milk. It was hard to figure out because it seemed like she was responding to what I said, but I realized she really wasn't.

By 6 am, I couldn't stand it anymore and braved climbing out of the sleeping bag to run to the bathroom. I jumped back into the warm sleeping bag and started to drift to sleep when Jim got up, took that beautiful photo, and started the van. He got the van warmed up and woke us up to climb in and get warm and get some breakfast. He took a sleeping Sera, while I got dressed.

We didn't want to wake her, so we stayed in the van until she woke at 8 am and got some breakfast. She was her usual happy self. I asked her if she remembered waking up during the night. She looked at me blankly. I then asked her if she remembered crying during the night, and she told me no. She had no memory of the three horrible events. She had stayed warm and toasty, so she didn't even remember it being cold while she slept.

I thought about it, and I really think it was the cold and having to sleep so covered in the sleeping bag that triggered these events. Sera is from one of the hottest provinces of China, but her village is in the mountains and is actually quite cold. We know that the orphanage is not well heated, and the children were bundled in many layers to keep warm. I think the combination of very cold temperatures and being covered with heavy flannel sleeping bags triggered memories that brought on her night terrors.

We've been home two nights and back on her routine. Everything is fine and back to normal. I could be wrong with my theory, but something deep inside tells me I'm right. These incidents serve to remind me that I don't want to overreact, but I must not be too complacent either. Sera's life before us does impact her. She does remember things, and it cannot be ignored nor erased. We have to respect her experiences and know they are part of her, too.

Two

April 2, 2007

April 2, 2008

April 2, 2009

Do those pictures even need more words? Today is two years since Sera was first placed in our arms. I can honestly say these have been the best two years of my life. This little girl has brought such joy into our home.

Yesterday was a big day for us. Jim and I both took the day off because Sera had a dentist appointment, her 3-year check up with the pediatrician, and a haircut appointment. She came through all three like a champ. Afterwards, we went to grab some lunch. Sera was being her usually bouncy happy self when a lady passed our table. She smiled and said what a doll. Sera loudly replied, "I not a doll. I Sera!" We all laughed. The woman then asked me if Sera was always so happy. I could honestly say yes.

If I had to choose one word to describe Sera, I would choose JOY.

Where Did She Come From?

This was quite an interesting week temperature wise. Monday morning it was 9 degrees; Tuesday was 5 degrees; on Wednesday, we cheered for a warm and wonderful 22; by Thursday we had reached 38, and this morning we're having a heat wave. It is 55. Woo hoo!

Yesterday was such a beautiful afternoon. The sun was out, and the temps were in the 50s. I arrived at Sera's school just as they were lining up to go outside and play. Sera came running to me, grabbed my hand, and pulled me towards the group. She told me that we were going outside. I didn't have the heart to make her leave, so we went outside, and she played for 10 minutes before we left.

We live in a small subdivision surrounded by older neighborhoods. You enter at one end, and the road snakes around to the other. There are about 30 houses total in our subdivision. As soon as I pulled in, we saw a young girl throwing balls into a pitch-back while her brother rode a scooter and dad watched them both. Around the corner, we saw Gretchen out with her daughter, Paige and stopped to say hi. Around the next curve, we saw a grandma walking her young granddaughter and grandson, and then, the pièce de résistance. We live in the cul-de-sac of the subdivision. Within five homes, we have about ten children, eight of whom are girls, between two and eight. All of them were out playing with their bikes, motorized cars, and a new puppy. Sera practically broke her arm waving as we drove past. As soon as I got her out of the car, she ran to the edge of our lawn, obeying the stay off the road rule, and started shouting hello while waving maniacally. We soon had a crowd gathered at the foot of our drive.

Of course, the sun went away and the winds picked up within minutes of our arrival. Moms started gathering their kids belongings and calling them home. Sera babbled away non-stop asking for her purple pedal car and her pink tricycle that haven't seen the light of day in months.

While watching my outgoing friendly child playing with friends at school, saying hello to every parent we pass at daycare, and calling the neighbors over to say hi, I'm reminded of the incredibly shy and withdrawn child she was in China. She would pretty much shutdown everytime we left the hotel, so no one but us ever saw her playful happy side. Even after we got home, she would pull away from other children or adults when she first met them and cling to me. I found myself often explaining that she just needed some time to get used to them and warm up.

I watch that confidant, outgoing, smiling face running out to face the world, and I am just amazed.

Where did she come from?

Adoption Fraud

One of the things that was important to Jim and me when adopting was going through an ethical process. As much as we wanted to adopt, it had to be a process that was thoroughly vetted. We felt very comfortable with the China program, so we proceeded. Since then, we've learned that the program wasn't as spotless as we'd thought, but the incidents seem to be isolated rather than the standard.

This morning, I'm sitting at my classroom desk and listening to a morning news show on the TV. It's very foggy outside, so we have a delay. Students won't be arriving for another two hours. They reported on the resolution of a case from Utah that I must have missed hearing about earlier.

It is appalling.

A now defunct adoption agency in Utah "recruited" families in Samoa to give up their children. They promised them a good life and education in the United States, and they promised the children would have continued contact with their families. They then took these children and adopted them out to US families who were told they had been abandoned. From the television story, they reported that most of the children were toddlers. These toddlers were extremely upset and told stories of loving families that did not jive with the stories of abandonment and fostering the parents had been told. One father has since flown to Samoa and returned his daughter to her birth family. The other families are trying to negotiate a compromise where they fulfil the original promise of caring and educating the children while allowing them to maintain contact and visits with their birth families.

There are so many children in the world who need loving homes. There are so many loving homes in the world that need children. Getting them together shouldn't be this hard. Children shouldn't suffer through years of abuse and neglect by birth families or a broken foster system. Birth families shouldn't have to choose to abandon their children to get them health care, education, food, or to avoid breaking laws.

These birth families were victimized. These adopting families were victimized. And, most importantly, these children were victimized.

The perpetrators? They get probation. Oh, and they can't work in the adoption field anymore. Duh!

Now, I've read this article. I understand the grounds of their probation.

It is not enough.

Thoughts To Remember

One of the things that I accepted as part of my responsibility when choosing to adopt transracially was to educate myself as much as possible. To that end, I follow half a dozen blogs of adult transracial adoptees. Sometimes they're hard to read, but they're always informative.

One of the blogs I follow is written by Paula. I so admire these bloggers because they are often blasted by fearful adoptive parents for their thoughts. Sometimes what they say isn't easy to process. And sometimes what they say sparks a little fear in my heart, too. I know that we will not be perfect parents, but I also know that we will do whatever it takes to give Sera a good life. After that, I can only hope that our best was good enough.

I read this post by Paula last week and wanted to share it with you. I heard from her today giving me permission to share it with you.

Twenty-Three Things This Korean-Adoptee Thought About as a Child

1. That many times I was embarrassed and ashamed of my birth culture because it was so profoundly different than that of my family and my friends. That too often it served as an easy and irresistible source of teasing and fodder for others - strangers and classmates alike.

2. That despite my parent's unconditional love for me, I couldn't help but feel that I was the last option for them to finally have children.

3. That phrases like "Thank God we can always adopt" or "Well, at least there's a world of unwanted children we can adopt from since we can't have kids of our own" only fed into my belief that adoption truly is, for virtually all couples, the very last resort by which to create a family.

CLICK HERE to continue reading.

Who Are They For? - UPDATED

Today is a very special day for me. Two years ago today I was a nervous wreck. I was avidly refreshing the Rumor Queen's blog for the latest news. I was in emails with about half a dozen friends and running to the front door of my school looking for a cell phone signal to talk to another. We were all anxiously waiting for news. Rumors had it that referrals would be arriving that morning. We knew that our date was either going to be the end of this batch, or we'd be skipped and would wait another month.

Our coordinator with our agency wasn't allowed to tell us anything before official calls were made that afternoon. I begged her to find a way to just let me know if we were in. The timeframe calls came in were right about the time we got out of school and headed home. I told her we needed to know if we should rush home or take care of our usual errands after school. I was in the middle of an ongoing email exchange with this friend when I got an email from my coordinator telling me to go straight home. Colleen was actually the first person to know that we were officially in the batch. I sent a quick email to Jim and then to all my friends who were in my travel group. Our paperwork was with the same agency, and we all had the same log in date.

I don't even know how I got through that afternoon. I'm sure my students thought I'd lost my mind, but I actually don't remember any of it. Jim and I raced home. We sat at the dining table with the phone and the laptop waiting and waiting and waiting. When that phone rang, my heart stopped, and I began to live.

Don't get me wrong. I had a great life pre-Sera, but it just can't compare to life with her. It was a landing in Oz moment. Suddenly, my life was filled with colors I hadn't even realized were missing.

We wrote down everything we were told in that first phone call. We then immediately started Googling her orphanage and her town. We looked at maps and figured out where our daughter was living. We made phone calls to our parents and my sisters. We then just sat at the table and stared at the map. It was real. We were parents. We were also filled with adrenaline, ready to go, and there was no where to go and nothing to do. Sitting at home was no longer an option, so we jumped in the car and headed out to a Chinese dinner. It seemed appropriate for that night.

It would be a few more days before we actually received her pictures, but she had already stolen my heart.






The answer to my question varies. For some anniversaries are not important. For me, this is one of the most important anniversaries of my life.

Update - By the time I got to the end of this post, I didn't do a very good job of explaining my blog title. I guess I got too caught up in the nostalgia of the moment.

The title came from me thinking about anniversaries. How they vary in importance to people. Some couldn't care less. Some remember every special moment. This anniversary is for me. It didn't change Sera's life that day. The anniversary that really has meaning for Jim comes up in April. When we celebrate anniversaries, who do we do it for? This time around, it's for me.

Beneath the Surface

I've been living a risky life. All of our pictures and videos of Sera are on my laptop. I've burned the China photos to a dvd, but hadn't done the others. I also didn't have a good backup system in place. Talk about living on the edge. I'd noticed the last few months that my laptop had gotten slower and slower, but didn't really think about it. A few weeks ago, it was annoying me enough that I decided to do a disk cleanup. I couldn't remember the last time I had. Imagine how startled I was when I got a message that my hard drive was too full to defrag. Yikes!

I decided it was time to get smart and bought an external hard drive. A 1 terabyte hard drive at that. Our good friend, Eric, came over and set it up on our network. It now holds the backups for both our computers, plus it's the new home for my media files. I'm going to burn dvds, too, but I'm in a whole lot better shape. I've already released over 18 gb of information from my laptop.

Last night I was copying over videos and watched the one where Sera was placed in our arms for the first time. The emotions that popped to the surface were overwhelming. I remembered the joy of the moment for me, but I could see the terror of the moment on Sera's face.

Sera loves seeing herself in pictures and in videos. This afternoon we showed her this one.

Part of our nightly routine (on my nights) is telling her story. I've read I Love You Like Crazy Cakes to her for well over a year. A month or two ago, I put the book down and started telling her her own story, but I paced it like the book. She recognized the familiar parts, but now it's personalized to reflect our story.

This afternoon, I pulled her on my lap and asked her if she wanted to see the video from the day we got her. She was very excited and loved watching it. She commented on the crying baby in the background, pointed out daddy, pointed out mommy, and pointed out the baby. We talked about the baby being Sera. She was laughing and loving the video. As each clip ended, she asked for more. I kept clicking on the next one. About five or six clips in we got to the one where our local guide was asking the SWI ayis my questions. Jim was videotaping because we knew neither of us would remember anything they said in the emotion of the day.

I had been watching Sera watch these videos, so I noticed right away that this video was different. She was staring intently with her eyes glued to the laptop. Her thumb slid into her mouth. After a few minutes, she scampered up and turned around so that I was holding her to me instead of her just sitting on my lap. I closed the clip and went to the ones from later in the day. Ones that showed just the three of us playing and laughing. She turned back around and started laughing again. After a few minutes, I ended the videos completely. I had wanted to end them on a happier note.

After this, she spent the rest of the afternoon glued to my side. We did a lot of mommy/baby play, switching roles at her request often. She kept patting my face and hair and saying things like my mommy or that she was baby mommy. Her way of saying she is mommy's baby. I just cuddled and snuggled and kept reassuring her that I was her mommy.

She likes to put her hands on my face and stare at me. Sometimes we roll our foreheads back and forth, sometimes we rub noses, and sometimes we steal kisses. Today, she looked in my eyes and said they were blue. Jim asked her what color eyes he had, and she said blue. I asked her what color eyes she had, and she said blue. I told her that she had beautiful brown eyes, just like chocolate. Chocolate is a very good thing in her world, and mine. She pointed to Shadow and noted he had brown eyes, too and a brown nose. Since the eye observation was made before she watched the video, I know it wasn't related. I do realize, though, that she is starting to notice the differences between us. I just hope I don't screw this up. I want her to love who she is. I want her to be happy with her life.

I've read before about children reacting to pictures, videos, Asian people, or hearing Mandarin, but this is the first time I've seen it in Sera. It's a sobering moment.

If that wasn't enough to knock me off my feet, she then shocked us both. While Sera and I were playing on the couch, Jim was channel surfing. He turned to the local news channel as we're very interested in the weather reports right now. Sera looked up when they displayed a picture of Barack Obama. They were doing a story on the upcoming inauguration. She looked at the screen, and I very clearly heard her say, "Barack Obama." I said, "yes, you're right. That is Barack Obama." Jim gave me a look like I was crazy and just thought I'd heard her say that. So he asked her what she had said, and she repeated it. I asked her who had taught her his name. She gave me a big grin and said, "ME."

Sera has loved her kitchen, and this play pizza, so much that tonight we made our own pizzas for dinner. They were, to quote a certain someone, tasty.

Make Believe

Sera is all about the make believe right now.

If she's not in her kitchen making us all sorts of yummy snacks and tea, she's either a baby or a kitty.

The baby stuff is different from what it was the last time I talked about it. She is very clear that she is "pwetending" to be a baby. She talks in a baby voice, but mainly she whines or coos or cries. She will take a sippy cup and pretend it's a bottle and literally crawl into my arms to be cradled.

I guess this is where the second guessing comes in. Most of me thinks this is perfectly normal, age-appropriate make believe. But there's that little part of me that wonders if it's adoption related. Is she seeking out more of the cuddling and bonding behavior she missed out on during her first 11 1/2 months?

The kitty cat dosen't inspire such deep thoughts. She meows a few times, crawls on all fours, and wants her belly rubbed. Then she's on to the next game.

She sure keeps us hopping!

To Remind Us All

The Silver Lining

To every tragedy lies a silver lining. This one is a major shift in the attitude of the Chinese towards adoption. There has long been a societal disapproval of adoption. The earthquake seems to have caused a monumental shift in thinking. Though it will take months to get organized and make sure there are no relatives available, the people of China are already signing up to adopt the Earthquake orphans.

I don't want to sound like a case of "I have my child. Who cares about you?," but I can't help but be pleased to see that the stigma is leaving. International adoption was just a tiny drop in the bucket of children available for adoption. Wouldn't it be wonderful to see them all find a home?

Favorite Ingredient Friday - sorry, got so busy this week, that I didn't get a chance to pick a recipe. I'll be back next time!

Update

We've gotten word from multiple sources confirming that everyone at Sera's orphanage in Liang Ping is okay. The building does have structural damage as one wall collapsed and there are large cracks in others, but all the people are okay.

The orphanages in China are called Social Welfare Institutes or SWI. They house orphaned children and senior citizens. It is wonderful that no one lost their life. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for the nearby elementary school.

The other day, I posted a letter from Half the Sky with a link to their site. They are collecting donations to be used to help the SWIs and the children affected by this earthquake. Since then, I've received another email from them. They are now requesting that donations be given to Global Giving

I've added their widget to my sidebar. Click it any time to donate.

Don't Mess With Us

And yes, I sent two emails myself.

E! Online

Wowza!!

When we started down this adoption path, my sister, Marcia, learned that her neighbors were adopting from China also. They've just been a step behind us in the process. Who knew they'd have to wait so much longer for their wonderful news? Last summer when Sera and I travelled south. We finally got to meet them. They're wonderful people, and my sister and brother-in-law's closest friends. So close that they've bought land and are building side by side so they'll still be neighbors.

Their news finally arrived today, and it's TWINS!

Congratulations Susan & Jonathan

One Year

Wow, it's been one year. One year today since we met and adopted Sera. I still remember how that was the longest day. We did some last minute paperwork that morning and then we had to wait. Our appointment wasn't until 3:30 in the afternoon. I'd never seen a clock move so slowly. Then time speeded up and the rest of the afternoon and evening just flew past. I remember standing by Sera's crib that first night watching her sleep and feeling as if it were a very surreal moment. I looked at Jim and marvelled over the fact that we were now parents. That we were looking at the sleeping face of our child. It was the most amazing experience.

And the first of many, many more. Each day with Sera has been a dream. Now don't get me wrong, some days are very tough. Holding a screaming child when you don't know what's wrong. Some of those days last spring and summer when I counted the minutes to nap time, so that I could nap, too. Realizing that I hadn't left the house except to go to work for weeks because Sera was slightly under the weather every weekend and thinking I'd go insane if I didn't go somewhere, anywhere. But I wouldn't trade one single second of time with her.

Raising a child is hard. Some days I think how much easier it would be if I were 20 years younger. Other times I realize how those 20 years have given me a level of patience I never would have had back then. It also helps me to stop and enjoy the moments. I know that these days are going quickly, and I want to treasure each and every one.

We've known our girl for one year now. She has blossomed and grown so much. She's independent and funny and smart. I love seeing her personality bloom. Each rough patch is followed by some amazing changes. Last week, our little girl was more clingy and whiny than usual, but that's par for the course when you're having a fever all week. This week, she's so happy to back at school and feeling good again that the laughter just bubbles out every day. I need to video her laugh. It's the most wonderful sound you can imagine.

I know how tough this wait can be. It was awful for us and has grown so much longer. Friends who were logged in just a 2-3 months after us are still waiting. Nothing can ease your pain now, and nothing will ever make you forget it. But I can tell you that when you hold your child in your arms, you realize you'd do anything to have this child...even wait again.

Daddy's first kiss.

First moments back in our room.

Sera's first smile.

Getting ready for bed on our first night.

One year home. Yes, that's chocolate on her face.

Sera still has that great smile!

Adoption Housekeeping

Sera came to us as an incredibly healthy almost one year old. I say incredible because she had spent the first year of her life in the orphanage pictured above. It's a small orphanage in a small village. They don't have much, but they do everything they can with what they do have.

One example of this is formula. They feed the babies Nestle brand formula. This is very expensive. In fact, the cost exceeds the allowance they are given by the government for formula.

I belong to a Yahoo group of parents who've adopted from this orphanage. One of the moms in the group recently put together a website for Liangping SWI. Word has just reached us that they're in need of formula and warm clothing. The incredibly cold winter that China has been experiencing has been all over the news, so this does not come as a shock to us. One can of formula costs $11.00 and feeds one child for one week.

If you have some spare cash lying around, please consider helping Sera's orphanage. They took such good care of her, the very best they could, and I know they're trying hard to take care of the 30+ babies living there now.

I also wanted to include the following letter from Amy Eldridge. If you are here because you have or are adopting from China, then this is preaching to the choir. I think that waiting parents who are reading blogs are probably the ones who already educating themselves. If, however, you know someone in the process and maybe they're not "surfing the Web", please pass this information on to them.

What to Expect When You're Expecting (from China)…….A MUST Read for Adopting Parents.

Below is a letter from Amy Eldridge, from Love Without Boundaries, addressing the recent adoption disruptions and parental preparedness. If you are reading this, think about posting it on your site - a waiting parent who reads your blog may benefit from it.

"I have been so saddened by this situation. I most definitely wish there was a way to educate ALL adoptive parents about the truths of institutional care, however I have come to realize in my daily work that there are just as many parents who are not online reading everything they can find on adoption as are.There are hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of parents out there who have no idea what life is like for a child in an orphanage, and who head overseas to pick up their perfect child only to be handed a baby who is unresponsive, thin, unable to eat….. and on and on and on.

While adopting my son last month, I walked several times over to the White Swan to talk to parents, and over and over I spoke with moms and dads who had no clue whatsoever about the issues their kids were having. I heard so many times things like, "she won't eat solid foods" (oral aversion), "she has no muscle tone" (muscle atrophy from lying in a crib all day), "she won't smile" (pure grieving from being taken from her foster mom). I guess since I live China 24/7, I assume everyone adopting does, too, which is not the case.I talked to at least a dozen parents who didn't even know their child's orphanage name, and while I gently said "you might want to memorize that for your child's sake", at the same time I was trying to process how many parents get all the way to China without ever reading about post-institutional issues. It was sobering to me.

Babies in the NSN (non special needs) as well as the SN (special needs) path can have issues with attachment, motor skills, emotional issues and more. I think all of us on the WCC (Waiting Children China) list acknowledge that, while also acknowledging that all children (whether bio or not) can have these same issues. Living in an orphanage of course increases the odds.I think the easy out is to say that agencies have to do more, as well as social workers, but I do think that most of them do try to give information to the parents but often parents don't want to hear it or else think it won't happen to them. Again, I am often surprised to talk to parents leaving soon and to realize they are not prepared. One family was adopting from our foster care program, and when I told them that the child was DEEPLY attached to the mom, the father said, "guess she might cry for an hour or so then?" An hour or so? She had been in foster care for over a year! I tried to explain that this little girl was about ready to lose everything she had ever known, and that they should not expect her to be sunny, happy, and full of personality after an hour. I told them to please remember the 72-hour rule.......that after 72 hours they would probably see her spark, but that she would probably grieve for a long time after that as well.

I think for many adoptive parents, they just don't want to read the "bad stuff", and so I do think that ultimately it is the parents who are at fault for not doing more to educate themselves. There certainly are books galore out there about post-institutional issues. I equate this to when I was pregnant with my kids and I would read "What to Expect When Expecting", and I would get to the C-section part and always skip it. Each and every time I would jump to the next chapter as "that wasn't going to happen to me". Well, on my fifth baby, when they were rushing me in for an emergency C-section, I sure was wishing I had read that section earlier! But at that point in the OR, while they were strapping my hands down to the table, it was too late, and so I felt complete panic when I could have been prepared. I think adoption from China is very similar to giving birth...it is much more rosy to only read the happy stories on APC, but I now encourage every family I meet to read the harder ones as well, because if you are the family who is handed a child that is limp and listless and who looks autistic, what you have learned in the past will help you make the right decision for your family during those very emotional first few days.

I have been called many times in the last few years by parents in China worried about their children. I agree that having a support network to help you through the initial time is essential. Everyone should go to China with at least one phone number of someone they can call if they are panicked upon meeting their new child. I remember feeling so alone when I was handed my daughter and she was so tiny and limp. Because our foundation often helps with the kids who have been disrupted, I am aware that sometimes there are children who have much more serious issues than originally reported…. and that is such a hard thing for a parent to get to China and then discover their child is truly autistic or has serious mental delays. I think everyone on both the China and international side would agree that it is absolutely wrong of an orphanage to not be honest in their reports, and no one would excuse that, but I also know without a doubt that the majority of kids who are disrupted are just suffering from institutional issues and would catch up quickly in a loving home. It is always a very sad day for the orphanage and everyone involved when a child that they know is absolutely fine, but perhaps thin and grieving, is returned by their new parents for being "delayed".

I think far too many people believe their child's life is going to begin the moment they meet them. The truth is, and everyone must realize it….. a child's life is going on RIGHT NOW in China, and all of their experiences are shaping who they are. The vast majority of aunties that I have met in China are such kind and caring people, but it absolutely is not the same as having a mom and dad at your beck and call. I have had new parents call and say "we didn't think living in an orphanage would affect her at all", and those statements truly puzzle me. How could they not contemplate life in an orphanage?

Walk through Babies R Us and you will see every gadget known to man to make our children's lives here as ideal as possible. Now Americans have two way video monitors, so that when baby awakens not only can mommy see when to immediately rush in and comfort him, but she can talk to baby so that he doesn't even have one single second where he feels alone. How many new parents would have a newborn and then put that baby in a crib 22 hours a day on their own? How many would only feed their baby, even if they were really crying hard, every 8 hours? Or prop the bottle in her crib and then not watch to see if she ever really ate?

Of course no one would do that…... we feed newborns on demand, comfort on demand, love continuously…. and whether people want to recognize it or not, that is NOT the life of an orphan in an institution. .….. even when the aunties are as good as gold. I remember one night when I took some volunteers in for the night shift in an orphanage, when normally just a few aunties are working. One mom looked at me with tears in her eyes as she slowly realized that it was absolutely impossible with just two hands to feed every child, to comfort every child, to soothe every baby who was crying. She said her heart was aching to realize that her own daughter most likely had many, many times where she cried without someone to comfort her..... and she told me that for the first time she finally understood why her daughter had such a deep seated fear of being out of her mom's sight.

The aunties are trying their absolute best, but that doesn't equal mother/child care. I remember being in an orphanage in the north this past winter and the aunties were so proud of how they had 6-8 layers of clothes and blankets on every baby to keep them warm. They were swaddled so tight that they couldn't move, but it was freezing in the orphanage and so the aunties wanted the babies to stay as warm as possible. What alternative did they have? It really was freezing there…... I was cold in my wool coat, so the babies couldn't be up and about with just 1-2 layers on, with the ability to move their arms and legs. To stay warm they had to be immobile, and so of course all of those kids have weak muscle tone. But the aunties were truly trying their best, and when a parent is given one of those beautiful children on adoption day, I am sure they will go back to their room with concern and say "she can't sit up by herself…. she can't put weight on her legs". That is absolutely the truth, but she also survived 10 degree weather in a very cold province and she will catch up soon enough with parents to encourage her.

To not acknowledge that living in orphanage circumstances can cause lower body weights, low muscle tone, inability to make good eye contact is very sad to me. Can it be overcome? Most definitely! The one thing I have learned over and over again about the kids in China is that they are fighters and survivors. But for some reason, people seem to want to ignore these issues in public forums.

Recently, one of our medical babies that we had met several times in person was adopted, and we all knew that this child was a "spitfire". When the family arrived and spent a few days with her, they decided she was too much of a handful for them and they wanted to disrupt. She absolutely was not what they expected. When they called their agency, they were told they had two choices: adopt the child, bring her to the US, and change their expectations of what they were hoping for, or adopt the child, bring her to the US and the agency would have a family waiting at the airport to adopt her locally. Option three of leaving the child in China was never once given. I admire that agency so much, as they were thinking of the child and the child alone. The family followed through with the adoption and handed the little girl to a new family upon her arrival in the US. As horrible and tragic and emotional as it was for everyone involved...I still feel this was the right decision for the agency to make. It was done in the absolute best interest of the child, who had waited a long, long time for a family. I wish more agencies would advocate for the rights of the child, instead of always seeming to give in to the parents, especially in those cases when they know with absolute certainty that nothing is permanently wrong with the child.Recently with another disruption, the agency I spoke with told me that it was "easier" to just get the family a new baby.

Sometimes easier does not equal right. The first baby who was rejected has now been labeled "mentally challenged" even though the agency knew the child was really going to be okay. I think all of us, who do realize that delays occur and that babies can usually overcome them, should be these children's advocates by continually trying to educate new parents on what to expect in China. By helping them be better prepared, we just might help stop a disruption in the future. I love Chinese adoption with my whole heart, and it is my life's work…. but I also want every family who goes to get their baby to go with their eyes open and to be as emotionally prepared as possible, for the child's sake."

Amy Eldridge, Love Without Boundaries